By Juxhina Malaj
Evacuated during the Great Cataclysm of Catastrophia in 2012, Kevin Patrick Cullen finally found safety in a land far away from home called Albanistan. Now, you may think his family and friends were worried for Kevin’s new home planet, but that was not the case. Even though they knew very little about Albanistan, they were happy for him and hoped that he would do just great there, especially because Kevin already knew Albanistanian. “Actually, I took Albanistanian as a Foreign Language as a pupil on Catastrophia (it was mandatory, much in the same way English is mandatory here). So I’m as fluent as those Frasheri fellas,” Kevin said.
Being in Albanistan on and off for about four years, Kevin would like to go back to Catastrophia, but “unfortunately, there are no direct flights from Tirana to Catastrophia, my home planet. And even if there were, it no longer exists,” he said adding that Catastrophia is now “merely a cold, empty ball of ice.”
Initially planning on harvesting full-sized Nicholas Cages on his family’s once prestigious celebrity farm on Catastrophia for the rest of his days, the Great Cataclysm in 2012, in a way, “forced” Kevin to open The Gentleman Tirana hair salon/cafe, an idea that according to him was a mere matter of survival as Catastrophians have much experience with this.
Based on Kevin’s complex responses, I suppose you might have already guessed that he has many other talents besides harvesting full-sized Nicholas Cages on his family farm. “On my home planet, I’d published 23,684,301 — all biographies of Nicholas Cage. Demand was so high that near 3,000,000,000 copies of each were printed (on a planet with only 8,748 citizens, no less!). As you can imagine, a lot of paper was needed for such an exorbitant amount of books. And where does paper come from? Trees!
As you can imagine, the amount of trees needed to meet such a demand far exceeded the supply. Thus, our entire planet was deforested, which lead to the collapse of the ecosystem, which led to the collapse of the economy, which led to the collapse of civilization and society. The place became a nightmarish jungle (albeit without trees), and we had to be evacuated before the Great Icing came (as tasty as that might sound). I was put on the first flight to Albanistan to seek refuge and haven’t looked back since.”
But there is still hope for Kevin’s new work – a romantic comedy about the Great Cataclysm on Catastrophia in 2012. “As I religiously conform to the standards of traditional Catastrophian dramaturgy, it will only be staged in one dimension and thus might not be enjoyed by Earthlings,” he explained.
Being in the middle of writing a biography of Nicholas Cage, (something we Earthlings hopefully might be able to enjoy), Kevin admits that he will never get used to the lack of a Nicholas Cage monument in Albanistan. “You’ve got one for Woodrow Wilson, George Bush and even Hillary Clinton now. But why not one for the greatest Earthling of all time?”
He knew very little about Albanistanians before the evacuation, but man, does he understand us. After four years living here, his current opinion is that we Albanistanians really like onions, garlic, and teddy bears. Do all foreign creatures have the same opinion about us? Well, I hope not, because we also love throwing trash on the streets, a quality creatures from other planets can’t even think of. Speak about limited brain capacity!
The ‘Block’ area of Tirana, where The Gentleman Tirana is situated, reminds him of “tangly spaghetti” . “Or to be more precise, tangly spaghetti after thermo-global-nuclear war. I think it could be made more eco-friendly by encouraging more organic celebrity farms and discouraging biographers of Nicholas Cage.” Nevertheless, Kevin likes other areas of Albanistan, such as Librazhd. “It reminded me of a mixture between Paris, Tokyo and New York City,” he said.
If you never heard of these places until just now, Google them and you will immediately see the similarities with Librazhd – the city that never sleeps.
Talking about cities that never sleep, Kevin has a few concerns about Tirana’s nightlife. “You know, my biggest frustration here is not being able to find an overpriced, tawdry place where I can listen to deafeningly loud bad pop and house music while standing idly around a table, drinking a RedBull and obsessively checking Facebook whilst taking a criminally insane amount of selfies in a desperate bid to make it appear as if I’m having a good time on social media when in fact I’m quite bored, isolated, lonely and miserable.”
Those were Kevin’s favourite places back on Catastrophia where everyone is a dog at birth. “We only become humans after doing something heinous and losing your innocence. (My crime was giving Face/Off starring Nicholas Cage a 9.9 rating out of 10),” he said.
Until his bid for asylum is denied, he will look for those places, he will find them, and he will order a decent milkshake instead.
